Sep 07

Things I will never do during the zombie apocalypse

I’ve spent a lot of time (perhaps too much time) thinking about what I would do if the dead start walking around and eating people. But thanks to a fun post on a Facebook group I got to thinking about something new – what are the things I will never do during the zombie apocalypse?

At first I had trouble coming up with any answers. It would be a whole different kind of civilization, or lack thereof. There are probably plenty of behaviors and actions I would not entertain NOW but they could be more acceptable or likely when the entire world falls apart. And you know what they say – “never say never!” But after some thought I was able to come up with some possibilities.

Things I will never do during the zombie apocalypse

(Probably)

Things I will never do during the zombie apocalypse…

(But I reserve the right to change my mind if and when shit hits the fan!)

I will never sleep well again.

I’m a pretty good, solid sleeper. I rarely have any trouble drifting off, don’t often wake up in the middle of the night (or go right back to sleep after the fact), and enjoy being wrapped up in my warm fuzzy blankets. But with zombies shuffling about, I really can’t see sleep being something that will ever come easily again, no matter how “safe” I might feel my current home base is. It just feels like jinxing it, you know? You think, “oh hey, this place is pretty sturdy, things have calmed down, I think I’ll pass out and sleep like a rock for the next 8 hours…” and then you’re jolted awake by a wall being breached and a horde comes crashing into your little safe space. Nope. Insomnia for the rest of my life!

Things I will never do during the zombie apocalypse

There go my dreams of a good night’s sleep ever again…

I will probably never be sure I can fully trust anyone.

Unless I’m with people I knew pre-apocalypse, I don’t think I could ever fully trust anyone that I meet in those circumstances. Even┬áthen, I would still probably only 100% trust my family or closest friends. Survival would depend on forging alliances with the right groups, and I would definitely want to team up with people who are likely to survive. But it would take time for me to feel certain about them I think. I’d always worry that at the end of the day self-preservation would outweigh loyalty more often than not. I hope I’m wrong. Obviously it would make the end of the world a little nicer if I was with a good, loyal group of people. But I don’t know.

I will never stop missing certain comfort foods.

Chips. Chocolate bars. Red wine. Our delicious mac & beef & cheese casserole with pepperoni slices on top. Soft cookies. Did I mention chips and red wine? Oh, and cheese & crackers. I will have no choice but to get used to eating whatever we can grow or hunt, or canned stuff that we find left behind in stores or abandoned homes. But I will miss those favorites of mine! Here’s hoping I can occasionally come across a stale bag of chips and a dusty bottle of wine in the back of someone’s pantry when I hide out in their abandoned house.Things I will never do during the zombie apocalypse

I’d better drink all the wine now, while I still can. Back in a second… Where’s my glass?

I will never willingly cannibalize anyone.

Okay, yes, that escalated quickly. Trust issues, comfort foods, sleeping… CANNIBALS. I know, but let’s be serious. There will be some groups out there who will decide to take the term “Manwich” a bit literally when they start running out of food. Are you a Walking Dead fan? If so, just think back to the Terminus storyline. It was thankfully short, although I still make um, “BobBQ” jokes from time to time. But they didn’t start out as cannibals because they were inherently evil even though they kind of came across that way. They were just trying to survive like everyone else. That being said, I have zero intentions of eating my buddies. I can’t rule it out altogether because what if I think that’s canned spam someone has served me and it’s, uh, not? But I will never be a willing participant.

I will never take joy in hurting anyone.

When the world ceases to exist in its current state and we are all just trying to survive, there will be situations where self-defense is a real life concern. I know that zombies aren’t the only threat to survival, sometimes those threats may come in the form of a really bad person. I don’t know that I will ever sit around crying over having to defend myself or my group. At least not after the first couple of times. But I am not a violent person by nature. I write violence well, and I love violent movies, but as a person I am not inclined to act that way. So I feel pretty confident in saying that I will not become the new Bad Bitch on the Block as soon as lawfulness becomes a thing of the past. I just don’t think I have that trait in me.

I will never want to become a zombie.

I think that’s probably going to be pretty standard across the board for people. I can’t see too many folks saying, “you know what? I think I’d like to join the army of the undead, brb, I need to go let a zombie gnaw on my head.” Not unless they’re already pretty crazy anyway. I can’t say that I will never want to give up, but purposefully allowing myself to be turned into a walking brain digestion tool? Hell no. I’m actually quite sure I will NEVER change my mind on that one.

Things I will never do during the zombie apocalypse

Ehh. I’m bored now, let’s try out being a zombie!

What about you? What are some things you will never do during the zombie apocalypse?

(Or you know, that you currently believe you will never do. Because who knows? All bets may be off when that day finally comes. But please – don’t cannibalize if you don’t absolutely have to. That shit is nasty.)

Let me know in the comments, and please don’t forget to share!

Things I will never do during the zombie apocalypse
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